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Started off rather successfully on the first week, even getting up to run before setting off to school. I swear I don’t sleep in class if I get to jog in the morning. Problem is it lasted well less than a week, and on the second week I took my first troubled cabride to school. I shall never, take a cab to school again (I don’t believe that myself too.)

There’s a pile of assignments up my sleeves already, but I’d honestly say staying up for assignments is entirely better and much fun as opposed to boring homebound holidays. Thank God for karen’s visit to school today, and I get to show her around my school. Nothing like a good ol’ soulmate to accompany me and understand my environment

I’m aware Joanne misses me everytime I skip away during lunch for Qiya, and this time too. She’s like “you traitor” but I feel the love behind the sarcasm Thank God for a good friend like Joanne in school to make me laugh heartily and lose my senses doing so. Thank God for people I can relate to. Thank God for people who annoy me, but from that let me rethink in God’ perspective. Thank God for dilemmas I have to choose between. I still need God’s answers. WhatWillJesusDo, I need to learn to do too. I need to be closer to you, God. I need to think with your heart, see through your eyes.

These few evenings I get so lethargic from school I’d just lie on the floor and fall asleep. I really have to set my evening timeslots well, its the only time I get to work on assignments. Can’t do them with half my energy. And I’ve found a good homework buddy for company, my lovely boy’s radio streaming! Its good entertainment even if I don’t understand half of what he says. Good enough that I get an idea of what he does at the same time.

(The Right) Too cute.

Look at him. His English’s improved. Still as adorably shy.
OHMYGOSH, that’s what.

I think that’s why.
Easily the best song of all times. Speaks undeniable truth.
For each time I hear it, I feel like I’m living again. I get the reason to live again.

Little Ebner “Ebby”. Ah, I always forget to take Ezrah during his turn.

Ah, the most lovable babies. Always overflowing with so much excitement, like he’s gonna burst with sparks

Because he’s session is only half an hour, he’s always bargaining when I have to go “Wait, wait” “Please, please, I really want to learn more Chinese words” When he first came into the room for lesson he’s all excited and “Can you draw for me? Can you draw for me please?” He’s probably seen Ezrah’s who made me draw everyone in his family.

The trip to get foldable storage boxes with mum at Ikea. I must have one of these things in my house next time.

My two new darlings mum let me get from Ikea! What should I name you?

I always love Ikea when I visit it. This time I found out, is it admiration or respect? Whichever, Ikea’s system is so good! Even though it always situates at some remote place I never figure how I get to. I love that they let you tour it, and first prepare you well too, like the stand at the entrance that provides you with the catalogue and pencil and measuring strip. Then the guide arrows on the floor, they do really guide well around the place, like even into the little corners and “spaces” (like the 100square-metre homes) I don’t know if its the air refreshener they use, but in some areas you can smell sweet gummy candies. (? I don’t think any kid would drop theirs and not pick it up to eat it.) Ikea’s the most customer-friendly and at the same time creative/innovative store, for sure. Even in the carpark they have footprints by the parking lots for people to move safely. And there’d be big banners that’d show like, funfacts? like its talking to you. I love the little parking lot for trolleys at the eating area! Although anyone might reach into your trolley and get what they couldn’t get/find themselves..

The only red-orange leaf I can find today. The only sign of Autumn. Not that we’re gonna have it anyway.

But still. I find this little leaf endearing that it made its way to Singapore.
I got to get the corner seat when I went to Mac’s for my reading session today! Have found a nice reason to get myself out of the house, and spend some long hours away from koreanstuffs. Even if its 10 minutes away from home. Feels good. Feels refreshing and accomplishing! And I don’t have to spend. Today I extended my tasks, tried a little self-study with the newspaper. I am still in touch with History, woohoo! Or not history, Current affairs.

Why is she so cute? How is she so lovable? I like believing in the genuinity of some people in the public’s eye, and wonder, why, even while being themselves, can they be such a love to so many of us?

The dearest boy, ever. I like listening to his radio broadcasts, see what a love he is. Surprise myself at how much of what they say I actually understand. And wish again that I could try deejay-ing for at least a day? No, a week?

I wish I had ahma to develop a nice close bond with.
I wish I could start ranting to her, even if she might fall asleep listening. Even if she doesn’t understand my poor language. Even if she had nothing to respond. At least there would be a grand old ahma figure I would snuggle with. I can still remember her soft silky pajama-like clothing. I can still remember her wrinkled and sagged, but so soft, skin and back. Would be such a splendid place to lean and cry on.

I really want right now to complain to her about dad.

Dad using ahma’s death to prick me.
And I watched a funeral procession go by today.
Of course I remember ahma’s funeral, it was the only one my family ever held.
I was too young to be sad. I merely cried then because she died.

And to take back all I believed about perfection of a family.
I mean, it can’t be. I’d probably rejoiced to quickly and too much.
Of course, God’s repititive hints: He never puts you in a perfect family.

I can’t hate. I can’t just hate someone who hates me. But I’m too disappointed. And utterly baffled.
I wouldn’t either, try to pull myself back to his lovelist.

Such shallow threshold of love, and such insensitivity.
If ‘this much’ is the much you can only tolerate, its not love. Its pushing your limits for the sake of it.

So why wouldn’t I continue going to the God who’d love me, no matter what?
I am too amazed.

Another rare visit to the beach as family outing yesterday. And I feel blessed. I find myself missing everything about the beach. When we were driving there I couldn’t help but to crack my head about what to do when we reach there because, 1. Dad is probably too old to play, 2. Mommah is selectively active on different days, 3. The dongsaeng has his one-man show, 4. For the past times I just walk/run around and wait for dad to ask whether we’re hungry. This time I must have matured a little bit more to be appreciative of the beach things.

The sand tempts to give it a shot, have a good run on me. So I did. The first 3 metres were good, but it gets straining on your legs because your feet sinks in at every step. I reached a breakwater with a guy lying on his back reading documents. A couple doing what a couple would do. I wanted to climb up there too but I was barefooted; there might be rusts on the rocks, so.

I spent around an hour trying to do skipping stones, because there were so many many rocks that are handsized and pretty and unique and how else can you actually describe rocks? The most I could do was 1 skip. If the elder brother was there he would have done 5 skips and showed me some sort of technique. I have decided to start a rock collection. Not those that are studied and get their scientific names labelled- ah no, I will myself deem the rock pretty and collect it. Because I found 3 really nice ones. Eventually when we left in a hurry because the drizzle was getting heavier I left my rocks there too.

I had some good bonding time with the dongsaeng I realised I love him so much. Times when I hate him are actually when I let myself be mean to him. Ah, guilt. It really depends on whether I wake up grumpy or see him in a good mood. He probably gets cautious everytime and perhaps secretly hoorays when I play along with him. Yesterday the vibe was up because he delighted me by spelling government, after I had another impatient experience at the tuition. And he likes it that I was singing the old chinese song (because Kyu sang it so heavenly that I got hooked) And he joined me too throwing rocks.

I missed getting dirty and sweaty and uncomfortable with sand in your garments and undergarments and trying not to let your pants get wet, but really not caring about that when you step into the water. I missed stinking of sweat and seawater and dealing with sand in your shoes when you get home. The beach is about the only place I want to disregard my worries about cleanliness,.. but when the dongsaeng chewed on his chicken and litttle chicken shreds drop into the water basic instinct pulls you out of there. Gosh I love dad’s original potato-green apple-cucumber-egg salad (all my fave stuff) but it would’ve been a thousand times better with thousand island rather than mayo.

Spent a good long night introducing Han stuff to the dongsaeng who showed extra interest (!) which came as a shock to my family that I let him sit on my bed and meddle with my computer ‘she said you can sit here?’..um, I should treat him better.. Of course he identifies ‘the fatty’ first. Anyone does, Ha Ha. Still my dearest dancegenius shines the brightest..!

Horrifyingly. I dreamt last night that I was alone watching him die. And I didn’t run to save him. And I didn’t at least shout so that people around might save him/that he might remember that his sister actually shouted for him. Argh. God, what’s this supposed to mean? I mean, I do suppose I am absolutelypositively sure what God’s telling me here.

I’m a crazycow.

You will just fall in love.