Forming Words, for starters

I never do literate my thoughts (not now, particularly), although they do give me an impression that they’re screaming for attention or at least a realisation into a tangible something that is heard, or seen, or acknowledged. One thing I can conclude now without a doubt is that I’ve gotten myself into a good entangled web of thoughts that I’ve never tried to — well, spin out with my mouth to at least organise one or two things into an understanding, at least for myself. 

Meanwhile I am physically nesting in Terminal Three, which I am almost overjoyed for, partly elated that I have Mom’s specific consent that I am indeed staying at the airport due to missing the last train, and possibly last buses too, but I wouldn’t bother to check (not that I did miss them on purpose, I just took for granted that they ‘usually ran till almost 11:45’).

More celebratory, that each time I am at the airport I’d simply be wishing upon wishes that I’d be able to stay here forever… until maybe I get a free boarding pass to somewhere, of course that would beat the airport-stay by a good deal, ha ha. The atmosphere can only suffice as the best explanation. Ironically, having the least of hopes in humanity and people in general (not blaming them/us, not taking a disliking toward them/us, but its part of that big web of entangled thoughts- so if I do disentangle I may get a systematic-worded reasoning), I’d say this atmosphere makes up of the good vibes of people, anticipating people, people with a destination, people discovering a destination, people with experiences, people illustrating experiences, people awaiting experiences; people meeting people, people missing people, people hugging people, people waving; in all these, happy people. I’d say there’s the slightest chance you’ll get a bad experience with people because of all the good mood in the airport.

Or am I mistaken? Just this afternoon I was at CBTL, reading; a lady who sat across me had a separate stool for her bag and was… taking a nap. In a while another lady, who was with friends, came to ask for the stool but was declined. Of course she couldn’t understand, your bag wouldn’t require a seat of its own, pardon you, so she insisted and triumphed. Unreasonable. She took to telling her friends rightaway, with a great deal of annoyance, barely having taken her seat. Bad exchange- I’d take it as an exception.

I still stand for the general happiness that goes on around here: I’m already feeling therapeutic from being able to express this much in this environment. It could be that, or- I’ve been reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green for three days now.

1 hour and 30 minutes into this solitary state I’m feeing kind of panicky already because Mom says ‘you have to take care of your things when you to go to the toilet’, and, speaking about Mom, I am as concerned she might fume trying to reach me while my phone is off- of course I don’t have my charger, being partially unprepared…

I get so much of what she (the narrator, Hazel Grace Lancaster) says/thinks, that so many of her ‘depressing’ opinions are what I have gone through, too, and of which her best/boyfriend has similar levels of understanding of (not to leave out how quite charming and attractive I think he is) so much so that I just want to cry from the whole situation of two people having equal understanding of each other’s emotional and intellectual position. And I’d wish so much to just have one person be that. It was the same for Perks, too, Sam and Patrick being my two ideal best friends that there was a mutual understanding of one another’s state of mind, even without talk. Of course, in reality I’d say a communication would be essential for that to happen, which, I have myself to blame for gradually being reclusive to even people I was close with for a longer time. Or perhaps I haven’t before, given in to them emotionally to begin with.

I suppose I’ve gone past the stage of pushing away emotions because I can basically feel choked up at any situation right now- not that I was aware of a transition between stages, but  I was with the understanding that I get my bad days of overwhelming, disorganised thoughts of opinions of feelings of analysing and processing things in a very pragmatic manner and still not feel teary-eyed from all of it.

Right now I feel like a laughable cat from making so much fuss and emphasis on the outline of the Entangled Web of Thoughts and yet not touched any content of it. In another therapeutic state and a rush of emotions I will get on to it. Meanwhile I continue my happy virtual trip in Amsterdam (god, just get me out of this place already!) with Hazel Grace (and boy how much I love how Gus makes a point to call her that way) and Augustus.

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Dear

Threefoldsgrace, I do know I haven’t been the most faithful. For more than a year already, I guess. At times I get the idea of coming over when my language warns me about deteriorating, but I haven’t had the inspiration to do it long, so.. But I’ve always been sure I can fall back onto this space for verbal releases I can’t rely on my sorry mouth to do. Ah, enough of the disclaiming talk, I was here to.. gloat.

Well, essentially. I really have been so blessed today, something I haven’t been able to truly appreciate for the past- well- the past year, if I were to generalise. I haven’t been counting my blessings, I haven’t given myself a chance to feel happy amidst unhappy things, I haven’t been faithful to keep to values I held so closely before. I gave up most of the beliefs, mindsets, habits I had adapted in my course to lead a god pleasing life..when I gave up on myself in spreading God’s love. Till now I haven’t gained back the courage to take another chance in being a salt&light for God, and yet such a day like today would pop up and get me to reflect and reconsider.

I live for the people around me, I realise today.

Leaving the church community opened me up to a lot of deep thinking about myself, my life and what I have been doing. I was the least passionate about life. Countless times I wanted to cut off everything forever, but (thankfully) I was too cowardly to ever attempt anything ‘silly’, as people say. The thought to give up on life occurred not because I was emotional, but I had so much, too much maybe, dissatisfaction. I was harbouring hate towards what I was going through, about my humanity, about humanity in general..I was dissatisfied I could never be a pure, good person, that I had unright, unjust, selfish thoughts. That people are generally motivated- literally driven by motives, motives that I find stems from selfish thoughts, self-centeredness. I found humans ugly. I found myself ugly, as part of them. I loathed growing into someone like them and wouldn’t be able to control myself from submitting to this ugly. Gosh, where am I driving my point to? All these were a part of my feeling hopeless and yeah, if I could get away from all those and not be able to feel guilty about it, dying would be so.

Slowly they would wane; now affecting me less like an interfering odour that fades into whiffs over time.

Today was a rare day, I found what could sustain me amidst my dissatisfaction. People I love, people I hold dearly close to heart, people that I would meet with and experience joy with me. All the little joys of people passing through my life on a day-to-day basis, all the mini merrymaking through talks, jokes, sharing bits among people you don’t have to fully know or understand. I picked up, only now, that even surface talk can bring little cheers to your mood, even to shape how I would walk through a day. Conversation is allowed to lead to nowhere, yiping. They don’t always have to be meaningful, they don’t always have to head in-depth to be worth.

Dear people that I had filled my whole heart with loving; but in fact I had thought to let go. There wasn’t conflict, but because in my falling into a bottomless pit of thought I had pulled down, together with me, my self worth- that they did not consider me as much as I do them. That I give these people my whole heart, but they probably do less. That if we hadn’t contacted after time, they probably had their lives and hearts occupied with new people already. These should never have crossed my mind, really. Because on a birthday I don’t expect anything out of, I was showered with so much more than what I’ve thought I’d lost. And here are the people so dear I would never in my life lose, let alone forget, let alone have anything less than my whole heart of love.

Evening and Lazing

Its been 3 weeks, I guess? School is the most exciting thing that’s happened within this 3-month span. I’m overjoyed. Ah, not OVERjoyed, but it feels good being up on my feet. And having a good amount of stress. I don’t stress as much over homework as worrying how much sleep hours I have. First thing I wake up in the morning I worry whether I’m late. The alarm’s 90% as useful as before. I mix up my snooze and stop buttons in subconsciousness, so there’s a good risk I might oversleep.

Started off rather successfully on the first week, even getting up to run before setting off to school. I swear I don’t sleep in class if I get to jog in the morning. Problem is it lasted well less than a week, and on the second week I took my first troubled cabride to school. I shall never, take a cab to school again (I don’t believe that myself too.)

There’s a pile of assignments up my sleeves already, but I’d honestly say staying up for assignments is entirely better and much fun as opposed to boring homebound holidays. Thank God for karen’s visit to school today, and I get to show her around my school. Nothing like a good ol’ soulmate to accompany me and understand my environment 😀

I’m aware Joanne misses me everytime I skip away during lunch for Qiya, and this time too. She’s like “you traitor” but I feel the love behind the sarcasm 😀 Thank God for a good friend like Joanne in school to make me laugh heartily and lose my senses doing so. Thank God for people I can relate to. Thank God for people who annoy me, but from that let me rethink in God’ perspective. Thank God for dilemmas I have to choose between. I still need God’s answers. WhatWillJesusDo, I need to learn to do too. I need to be closer to you, God. I need to think with your heart, see through your eyes.

These few evenings I get so lethargic from school I’d just lie on the floor and fall asleep. I really have to set my evening timeslots well, its the only time I get to work on assignments. Can’t do them with half my energy. And I’ve found a good homework buddy for company, my lovely boy’s radio streaming! 😀 Its good entertainment even if I don’t understand half of what he says. Good enough that I get an idea of what he does at the same time.


(The Right) Too cute.

Just about the sweetest thing ever

Look at him. His English’s improved. Still as adorably shy.
OHMYGOSH, that’s what.

Why? That’s why

All the little things that just lift your spirits instantly. Make you smile, laugh, or turn the day around(:
How can some things/beings be so lovely, so sweet, so dear (and others not? Hahaha)
I had expected a lousy week to come by. I managed to pick things up this week amidst trying to figure things out, inexplicable things
My amazing God, ah yes. Why are you so amazing?
(Forget it. I’ll probably continue to wonder that my whole life.)


I think that’s why.
Easily the best song of all times. Speaks undeniable truth.
For each time I hear it, I feel like I’m living again. I get the reason to live again.


Little Ebner “Ebby”. Ah, I always forget to take Ezrah during his turn.

Ah, the most lovable babies. Always overflowing with so much excitement, like he’s gonna burst with sparks 😀

Because he’s session is only half an hour, he’s always bargaining when I have to go “Wait, wait” “Please, please, I really want to learn more Chinese words” When he first came into the room for lesson he’s all excited and “Can you draw for me? Can you draw for me please?” He’s probably seen Ezrah’s who made me draw everyone in his family.


The trip to get foldable storage boxes with mum at Ikea. I must have one of these things in my house next time.


My two new darlings mum let me get from Ikea! What should I name you?

I always love Ikea when I visit it. This time I found out, is it admiration or respect? Whichever, Ikea’s system is so good! Even though it always situates at some remote place I never figure how I get to. I love that they let you tour it, and first prepare you well too, like the stand at the entrance that provides you with the catalogue and pencil and measuring strip. Then the guide arrows on the floor, they do really guide well around the place, like even into the little corners and “spaces” (like the 100square-metre homes) I don’t know if its the air refreshener they use, but in some areas you can smell sweet gummy candies. (? I don’t think any kid would drop theirs and not pick it up to eat it.) Ikea’s the most customer-friendly and at the same time creative/innovative store, for sure. Even in the carpark they have footprints by the parking lots for people to move safely. And there’d be big banners that’d show like, funfacts? like its talking to you. I love the little parking lot for trolleys at the eating area! Although anyone might reach into your trolley and get what they couldn’t get/find themselves..


The only red-orange leaf I can find today. The only sign of Autumn. Not that we’re gonna have it anyway.

But still. I find this little leaf endearing that it made its way to Singapore.
I got to get the corner seat when I went to Mac’s for my reading session today! Have found a nice reason to get myself out of the house, and spend some long hours away from koreanstuffs. Even if its 10 minutes away from home. Feels good. Feels refreshing and accomplishing! And I don’t have to spend. Today I extended my tasks, tried a little self-study with the newspaper. I am still in touch with History, woohoo! Or not history, Current affairs.


Why is she so cute? How is she so lovable? I like believing in the genuinity of some people in the public’s eye, and wonder, why, even while being themselves, can they be such a love to so many of us?


The dearest boy, ever. I like listening to his radio broadcasts, see what a love he is. Surprise myself at how much of what they say I actually understand. And wish again that I could try deejay-ing for at least a day? No, a week?

Ahma

Every little thing reminding me of my ahma.
Felicia’s grandma just passed.
I’m jealous.
I don’t get to experience times with my ahma and look at her with a little more mature perspective.
I don’t get to go to her and shout ‘ahma!’ like a little child, even when I grow older.
I don’t even get to regret not spending more time with her. Because I was given opportunities to, but I was too young to treasure them, and even too young to get to know her.
I don’t get to visit her myself. Bring pastries. Bring a can of beer.

I wish I had ahma to develop a nice close bond with.
I wish I could start ranting to her, even if she might fall asleep listening. Even if she doesn’t understand my poor language. Even if she had nothing to respond. At least there would be a grand old ahma figure I would snuggle with. I can still remember her soft silky pajama-like clothing. I can still remember her wrinkled and sagged, but so soft, skin and back. Would be such a splendid place to lean and cry on.

I really want right now to complain to her about dad.

Dad using ahma’s death to prick me.
And I watched a funeral procession go by today.
Of course I remember ahma’s funeral, it was the only one my family ever held.
I was too young to be sad. I merely cried then because she died.

어떠케..?

I might just want to take back everything I said wrt respect about..(?)

And to take back all I believed about perfection of a family.
I mean, it can’t be. I’d probably rejoiced to quickly and too much.
Of course, God’s repititive hints: He never puts you in a perfect family.

I can’t hate. I can’t just hate someone who hates me. But I’m too disappointed. And utterly baffled.
I wouldn’t either, try to pull myself back to his lovelist.

Such shallow threshold of love, and such insensitivity.
If ‘this much’ is the much you can only tolerate, its not love. Its pushing your limits for the sake of it.

So why wouldn’t I continue going to the God who’d love me, no matter what?
I am too amazed.